Alex Lee Flix (DENIED)

[HarkumHorror]

Full name:Alex Lee Flix

Age:13

Gender:Male

Sexual Orrientation:Straight

Occupation/Affiliation:Trainer,Rebel

Party:Rattata,Growlithe,and Haunter

Supplies:PokeballsX5,seven outfits,Green backpack.

Appearance:Alex looks doesn't look like a normal teenager as he's 5'9",making him appear a lot older than he is. He is very skinny, Has a six pack, has very broad shoulders, and his shoe size is a 9 in mens. Alex is also always as clean as he can be. His scruffy blonde hair reaches down just below his ears and doesn't look like he brushes it, when he really does. He has a dark green baseball cap that he always wears and has seven outfits that look exactly the same consisting of Green skinny jeans, a Green tie dye shirt, a Green plad mini jacket, and a Green plad jacket. He wears everthing in one outfit except for the jacket which he only wears when it's cold and he carries it all in a Green backpack that he wears everywhere.



Face claim:None

Personality:Alex is usually very nice, but if you piss him off you'll think a bomb just went off. He really likes girls, espiacally ones that have a skinny body, long hair, and large breasts. He's very respectful to adults, even ones he doesn't like. (Unless their holding him captive or something like that.)

His sexual turn-offs are guys or ugly girls. His pet peeves are people who are not neat or clean. People piss him off by insulting him in some way or someone that he's close to.

Alex's dream vacation would to be in the woods camping with his pokemon close by. This would be his dream vacation because he really likes the environment and loves his pokemon and being close to them. His dream job would be a gym leader because he then could battle with his pokemon and also make young trainers stronger.

Alex is very devoted to his friends. He really likes them and will always be there for them. He will always stand by his friend's sides if they're in trouble, even it's against his beliefs. Alex will always attempt to do something back to someone who has hurt his friends. Alex does'nt like his old friends who have done something to hurt him but if they are really sorry then he will forgive them.

Alex is very "Green". He loves plants and animals, always recycles, and his showers are a maximum of 5 minutes. Alex hates using a lot of power and hurting plants and animals. He is like this way because his Mom was and she told him that his Dad also was.

Other:None

Family:Jessica(Mother) He has a very close relationship with his mother who really cares about him. Father unknown

History:Alex had lived a pretty quiet life with his mother until he turned 13. Nothing strange or unusual had ever happened to him. On his birthday his mother gave Alex her three pokemon. That day when they went to get the groceries, his mother was abducted by nobles, convincing him to become a rebel. Alex was going to help his mom but she signaled for him to hide. Ever since he has been searching for his mother, hoping to one day find her, save all shadow pokemon, and end Era's corrupted government.He knows that Shadow pokemon are there because Haunter was a shadow Ghastly. When Alex purified Ghastly he evolved to Haunter.

Alex never knew his father. That's a secret his mother was going to tell him after they got the groceries. After he finds his mom he hopes to one day meet his dad, make him proud, and have a life like a normal family. He came from Era, and was well-off in his money condition.

Roleplay sample:Alex was at the diner for dinner. Everything was shiny and clean. After a minute a waittress asked what he would be eating. "Four hamburgers please, and could you make it to go?" he asked. He wanted to follow some shady dude he saw leaving. When he got his hamburgers and paid he went outside, fed his pokemon and himself, waited for the guy to finish smoking, and followed him. After a while,he saw the guy get into a truck. Alex quickly memorized the license plate number and ran after the truck. After a minute he lost it and looked for a place to sleep.

[Admiral Striker General]

Ignorning my logic and plothole senses for now ('x3; SG is FAR worse/more nitpicky than other mods anyway), purely technical things that need to be fixed:

• The form you copy-pasted had spaces between the major sections. '^^ What possesses some members to do as you did and remove them I will NEVER understand, but please put them back. When it comes out as one giant block it makes it MUCH more difficult for staff to read.
  
• <__< Please put a space between your sentences. I apologize if that sounds nitpicky, but... '^^; Yeah, one of the most basic rules of grammar. This is supposed to be an intermediate-advanced RP, so I don't think it's too much to ask for just that...
  
• The family section asks for details of the relationship with each relative as well; actually, that's the first and foremost thing it's asking.
  
• History is required to be a minimum of two paragraphs.

Thank you for your cooperation, and we look forward to seeing what else you can come up with in expanding this. :3

I'd now like to note how hard I squee'd when I saw one of your starters was a Rattata. x3 Epicsauce~<3 And thank you very much for choosing an affiliation. x3; We get entirely too many neutral chars. :3 So yar~

[HarkumHorror]

Alright I fixed the character up but I have no idea what you were talking about in the first paragraph.I really hope you will clarify so I can fix whatever it was.

[Admiral Striker General]

This is a paragraph. It contains various information. Insert more various filler text here. There is a space below it, because Enter was pressed twice, not just once. As you can see, this makes it much easier to distinguish between them.

This is another paragraph. It contains more information. Insert more various filler text. There is a space above it, because Enter was pressed twice, not just once. As you can see, this makes it much easier to distinguish between them.

compared to

This is a paragraph. It contains various information. Insert more various filler text here. There is not a space below it, because Enter was only once instead of twice. As you can see, this makes it much harder to distinguish between them.
This is another paragraph. It contains more information. Insert more various filler text. There is not a space above it, because Enter was pressed only once instead of twice. As you can see, this makes it much harder to distinguish between them.

Understand what I meant now?

That stated, I really don't feel the second paragraph quite makes it passable, given it's really no more than an expansion on what was already said in the family section. Is there not one thing of import that happened before he was thirteen? Where is he from? What kind of life did they live? Were they poor, mediocre, well-off, rich? What convinced him to become a Rebel? These are just a few of countless ideas to help you out in expanding. ^.^

...Also, spaces between sentences does need to REMAIN a part of your writing. Please. '^^; Again, intermediate-advanced. I understand you're younger than most our members and as such can't be expected to have developed the same skill level in writing, but I also am very aware that age never excludes potential nor guarantees prowess. I know a girl who at 10 could out-write 90% of the 20-some-yr-olds I've met in terms of technical correctness, believability, and creativity. 'x3; We won't hold you to that standard, but we will expect you to be at least on the level any school would for your age group. :'3;

[HarkumHorror]

Alright I've fixed that now. Waiting for the next set of corrections.

[Jay]

You still have not put spacing in between the information, and there are still areas where you have not put a space after the period of a sentence as well as after commas. Those are basic grammatical rules that must be met before proceeding. If you are confused by formatting, please look at accepted application to see the difference in spacing.Please do this. Thank you.

[HarkumHorror]

Alright the spaces are there.Waiting for the next set of corrections.

[Jay]

You need to expand on personality a bit more. He still appears a bit flat. Here are a few ways you can elaborate.

but if you piss him off you'll think a bomb just went off.

Explain what makes him angry. Drama? Arguments? Certain characteristics in people? Losing things? Seeing things suffer? Stress?

He's very devoted to his friends and if you do something to them and can't take on Alex, you're in trouble.

What about acquaintances? People he has just met are suddenly in trouble. What would he do? How does he react to meeting people? Does he hold grudges a long time? If his friend hurt him socially or physically, would he forgive them? If he loses his friend to something, would he cry or take revenge? How would he take revenge if the latter? Is he smart enough to process long plans and coordinated events or does he act on impulse rather than think things through.

He knows lots of funny jokes, and doesn't mind telling them.

Does he tell jokes when he is nervous or simply out of impulse? Does he try and avoid social confrontation by telling jokes? Why does he know these jokes? Does he make it a habit to learn new jokes?

Try answering at least a few of these questions on your app about him (not the whole form, of course; just use it as an idea of what sorts of things you might add):


Bad Habits --

Good Habits --

Best Characteristic --

Worst Characteristic --

Worst Memory --

Best Memory --

Proud of --

Embarrassed by --

Driving Style --

Strong Points --

Temperament --

Attitude --

Weakness --

Fears --

Phobias --

Secrets --

Regrets --

Feels Vulnerable When --

Pet Peeves --

Conflicts --

Motivation --

Short Term Goals and Hopes --

Long Term Goals and Hopes --

Sexuality --

Exercise Routine --

Day or Night Person --

Introvert or Extrovert --

Optimist or Pessimist --


Likes and Styles:
Music --

Books --

Magazines --

Foods --

Drinks --

Animals --

Sports --

Social Issues --

Favorite Saying --

Color --

Clothing --

Jewelry --

Games --

Websites --

TV Shows --

Movies --

Greatest Want --

Greatest Need --


Where and How Does Your Character Live Now:
Home --

Most Cherished Possession --

Married Before --

Significant Other Before --

Children --

Relationship with Family --

Best Friend --

Other Friends --

Enemies --

Car --

Pets --

Career --

Salary --

Other Income --

Dream Career --

Dream Life --

Love Life --

Hobbies --

Guilty Pleasure --

Sports/Clubs/Organizations --

Talents or Skills --

Intelligence Level --

Finances --

Greatest Strength --

Greatest Weakness --

Health Problems --

Culture --

Religion --


Your Character's Life Before Your Story:
Past Careers --

Past Lovers --

Biggest Mistakes --

Biggest Achievements --

==========

a) If you could have two whole weeks for vacation and go and do anything you wanted, what and where would it be?

b) If you had a weakness for one of the seven deadly sins, which one would it be and why? (pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth)

c) If you could bring one person back to life and spend a whole day with him or her, who would it be and why?

d) If you won a three-million dollar lottery, what would you do with the money? What would you do with a five-hundred dollar win?

e) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

f) What do you do to relax after a bad day?

g) Where would you go to hang out if you wanted to feel comfortable?

h) What do you do when you are angry?

i) Do you have a secret passion? What? Why is it a passion? And why is it a secret?

j) How do you feel in a crowd? How do you feel alone?

k) If you were asked to describe yourself, what would you say about the kind of person you are? How about how you look?

l) Where do you want to be in your life ten years from now?

m) A tear jerker is on. How do you react if alone? How do you react if with others?

n) Deep down, what does you really think of yourself? Are you fair, moral, honest, ect...?

o) What do you think would make a perfect first date?

p) How important is money to you? Why?

q) What do you consider romantic?

r) How "green" are you? At the store, do you ask for paper, plastic, or bring a bag? Do you take hour-long showers, quick ones, have a rain barrel in the yard to catch water for the garden? And so on. While you are figuring out how "green" you are, figure out why you are dark green or not green at all.

s) How do you deal with anger, sadness, external/internal conflict, change, loss, jealousy, hurt, ect...? Why?

t) How do you think others see you as a person? How do you think others see you when it comes to looks and clothes?

Get all that done and then we'll go on to the next stuff.

[HarkumHorror]

Alright I've added someofthat, and I'd like to tell you that he's only 13 so some of the things you suggested are not possible. Waiting for the next set of corrections.

[Maid Melody]

All right, the choppy sentences I've noticed need to be fixed before I will look at this again ^_^;; please proof read through it yourself and tell me when you're done.

[HarkumHorror]

Done.

[Jay]

First off:

Alex looks doesn't look like a normal teenager. He's 5'9",making him look a lot older than he is.

Is anything wrong with this sentence? I think so: what is with that extra look? Read it aloud to yourself. Does that even make sense? Please please PLEASE look over your grammar.

Next:

He is very skinny and has somewhat large muscles for his age. Alex Has shoulders very broad and he has a six-pack. His teeth are pearly white and Alex is always as clean as he can be. His feet are alot bigger than normal, His shoe size being a 9 in men's.

Why is this a second paragraph? You could easily put this directly behind "making him look a lot older than he is" and make it flow correctly. Also, alot is not a word. It is "a lot".

Personality:Alex is usually very nice, but if you piss him off you'll think a bomb just went off. He really likes girls, and would not say no if his girlfriend asked to have sex with him. (Doubt she would though,as he doesn't have one and he's only 13.) He's very respectful to adults, even ones he doesn't like. (Unless their holding him captive or something like that.) He's very devoted to his friends and if you do something to them and can't take on Alex, you're in trouble. He knows lots of funny jokes, and doesn't mind telling them.

Alex is very "Green". He likes to protect animals and plants, doesn't like to use too much power, he always recycles, and his showers are a maximum of 5 minutes. Alex once had a girlfriend that he really liked and he always wants the same attributes in a girl that has long hair, a skinny body, and large breasts. His sexual turn-ons are girls that are nude, don't have very much clothing on, or have the physical attributes like I just described. His sexual turn-offs are guys or ugly girls. Alex's dream job is to be a gym leader or a pokemon breeder or something like that. His dream vacation would be in the woods camping close to pokemon. His pet peeves are people who are not neat or clean. People piss him off by insulting him in some way or someone that he's close to. If a friend did something really rude to Alex and showed that they really were sorry then he would forgive them.

Let's break this down and make it flow better. It looks choppy because you were probably using a stream of thought method, but it does not work well in this instance.

This:

He really likes girls, and would not say no if his girlfriend asked to have sex with him. (Doubt she would though,as he doesn't have one and he's only 13.)

And this:

Alex once had a girlfriend that he really liked and he always wants the same attributes in a girl that has long hair, a skinny body, and large breasts. His sexual turn-ons are girls that are nude, don't have very much clothing on, or have the physical attributes like I just described. His sexual turn-offs are guys or ugly girls.

Can go together. You see how they are related? That is the idea when you try and make something flow. Keep similar ideas together and then separate other ones with paragraphs.

This:

Alex's dream job is to be a gym leader or a pokemon breeder or something like that. His dream vacation would be in the woods camping close to pokemon.

Should be broken into another paragraph AND expanded on to describe it more.

This:

He's very devoted to his friends and if you do something to them and can't take on Alex, you're in trouble.

And this:

If a friend did something really rude to Alex and showed that they really were sorry then he would forgive them.

Need to put into a Friend paragraph AND expanded on.

This:

He knows lots of funny jokes, and doesn't mind telling them.

Again. Don't make that so random. If it has a place, put it there and explain your point.

This:

Alex is very "Green". He likes to protect animals and plants, doesn't like to use too much power, he always recycles, and his showers are a maximum of 5 minutes.

Is fine, but you need to separate it from the other statements in that paragraph AND expand on it.

Now this:

History:Alex had lived a pretty quiet life with his mother until he turned 13. On his birthday his mother gave Alex her three pokemon. That day when they went to get the groceries, his mother was abducted by nobles, convincing him to become a rebel. Alex was going to help his mom but she signaled for him to hide. Ever since he has been searching for his mother, hoping to one day find her, save all shadow pokemon, and end Era's corrupted government.

Alex has no idea who his father is because that's a secret his mother was going to tell him after they got the groceries. After he finds his mom he hopes to oneday meet his dad, make him proud, and have a life like a normal family. He came from Era, and was well-off in his money condition. His birthday is March 22nd and he always stays up all night on that day.

Alright, This:

Alex has no idea who his father is because that's a secret his mother was going to tell him after they got the groceries.

Why would his mom wait that long to tell him? Who is his father really? You should explain that he never knew his father in the beginning.

Alex had lived a pretty quiet life with his mother until he turned 13.

What kind of life is quiet exactly? Where did he grow up? Which part of Era? Which city? What was his childhood like? Did he have a few friends or was he a loaner by nature? What happened to those girlfriends that you talked about in his personality section. Aren't they important to his history?

save all shadow pokemon, and end Era's corrupted government.

Commoners usually don't KNOW about shadow pokemon. How does he even know they are there? Why does he want to get rid of them? Does he have some righteous motive that you did not explain in his personality?

His birthday is March 22nd and he always stays up all night on that day.

Did you not SEE that there is a place to put birthday under age? There was a short place to do that, and this has no real relevance to history at all unless you can explain some motive for why he stays up. Does he believe that his father will come home? Does he do something else? EXPLAIN.
-----

Now, I put a lot of time and effort into doing this so that you can make corrections. If you don't follow these instructions before you state done, I will refuse to look at your profile again unless you completely fill out EVERY single question on the large list of questions that I posted earlier.

[Admiral Striker General]

Jan 1, 2011 22:08:16 GMT -5 HarkumHorror said:

I'd like to tell you that he's only 13 so some of the things you suggested are not possible. Waiting for the next set of corrections.

Other than the obvious things that he can't drive, has never been married, etc, everything else is possible. In fact, I went over the list again (I've done it before for another char) with the perspective of my Work-in-Progress character who is 6 years old- less than half Alex's age. Excluding about 10 questions or so, I could answer all of them for HER. :3 So don't doubt Jay~

[HarkumHorror]

Alex has been proofread and corrected.

[Jay]

'xD; you have blatantly ignored several if not all of my grammatical points, and your history has only become more confusing. I'm sorry, but this is the final straw, my dear. You must now write out everything on this list if you wish of me to look over this ever again.

Bad Habits --

Good Habits --

Best Characteristic --

Worst Characteristic --

Worst Memory --

Best Memory --

Proud of --

Embarrassed by --

Driving Style --

Strong Points --

Temperament --

Attitude --

Weakness --

Fears --

Phobias --

Secrets --

Regrets --

Feels Vulnerable When --

Pet Peeves --

Conflicts --

Motivation --

Short Term Goals and Hopes --

Long Term Goals and Hopes --

Sexuality --

Exercise Routine --

Day or Night Person --

Introvert or Extrovert --

Optimist or Pessimist --


Likes and Styles:
Music --

Books --

Magazines --

Foods --

Drinks --

Animals --

Sports --

Social Issues --

Favorite Saying --

Color --

Clothing --

Jewelry --

Games --

Websites --

TV Shows --

Movies --

Greatest Want --

Greatest Need --


Where and How Does Your Character Live Now:
Home --

Most Cherished Possession --

Married Before --

Significant Other Before --

Children --

Relationship with Family --

Best Friend --

Other Friends --

Enemies --

Car --

Pets --

Career --

Salary --

Other Income --

Dream Career --

Dream Life --

Love Life --

Hobbies --

Guilty Pleasure --

Sports/Clubs/Organizations --

Talents or Skills --

Intelligence Level --

Finances --

Greatest Strength --

Greatest Weakness --

Health Problems --

Culture --

Religion --


Your Character's Life Before Your Story:
Past Careers --

Past Lovers --

Biggest Mistakes --

Biggest Achievements --

==========

a) If you could have two whole weeks for vacation and go and do anything you wanted, what and where would it be?

b) If you had a weakness for one of the seven deadly sins, which one would it be and why? (pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth)

c) If you could bring one person back to life and spend a whole day with him or her, who would it be and why?

d) If you won a three-million dollar lottery, what would you do with the money? What would you do with a five-hundred dollar win?

e) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

f) What do you do to relax after a bad day?

g) Where would you go to hang out if you wanted to feel comfortable?

h) What do you do when you are angry?

i) Do you have a secret passion? What? Why is it a passion? And why is it a secret?

j) How do you feel in a crowd? How do you feel alone?

k) If you were asked to describe yourself, what would you say about the kind of person you are? How about how you look?

l) Where do you want to be in your life ten years from now?

m) A tear jerker is on. How do you react if alone? How do you react if with others?

n) Deep down, what does you really think of yourself? Are you fair, moral, honest, ect...?

o) What do you think would make a perfect first date?

p) How important is money to you? Why?

q) What do you consider romantic?

r) How "green" are you? At the store, do you ask for paper, plastic, or bring a bag? Do you take hour-long showers, quick ones, have a rain barrel in the yard to catch water for the garden? And so on. While you are figuring out how "green" you are, figure out why you are dark green or not green at all.

s) How do you deal with anger, sadness, external/internal conflict, change, loss, jealousy, hurt, ect...? Why?

t) How do you think others see you as a person? How do you think others see you when it comes to looks and clothes?

Have a nice day.