Here's what's bothering me

[Twist]

I'm really lonely =/ and the feeling never really seems to end..it does briefly when I'm hanging with one of my only friends(and mainly it's because I have no one else to hang out with. He's the player type and can be a jerk. I'm often Plan B). Plus, this feeling of loneliness is the cause of those 12 years in school I had to go through. I was the loner, the outcast. I did have friends...for awhile..then they all formed themselves under a leader who decided he didn't like me. His influence may have been slow, but eventually, it took root and stole my friends away from me. I was alienated by one person..but that one person was enough to take away everything I had..

And I always suffered from bullies...I got picked on a lot..I was always seen as weird..the quiet, ugly type. Can you even start to imagine what 12 years of that can do to a person..? It seriously messed with my confidence and self esteem.

My main, soul desire is to be loved for the person I am. I want to be loved without having to change anything about me. But currently, I have doubts if that will ever come true or not. I often scream in my head, yearning for my heart to be healed by another because alone, I know I cannot fix it.

Some of you might think of me as emo for complaining, but when you're outside looking in...what else is there to do when the door is locked?

[Jay]

Like I said in chat, you'll find someone. Personally, I think you need to be able to stand on your own before you can stand with someone else so to speak. I'm not saying go all independent and forget about relationships, but I mean more like don't stress too hard to find 'the one'. It'll come to you. Be yourself, and sooner or later, someone's going to connect.

[DJ Boomkitty]

Well herro, allow me to say I'm on the inside looking out, ne? I'm in a similar boat; 12 years of school, I used to be bullied, picked on, etc. I got along with everybody fine but didn't really have solid friends. I had... mm... maybe two best friends, one which defaulted in a backstabbing way and the other I'm glad is still very supportive of me today. As for relationships, I'm not Plan B, I'm last choice but I've learned to not let it bother me. In fact, I'm rather empowered by this solitude. Why?

Well, there's a LOOOOT of other factors involved (a very shitty home life/ young life, I'm not delving into that x3), but I'll say at the moment I live by myself, struggling with bills and skipping meals because I have nada for food in the house. I don't have any boyfriends or w/e, just my best friend, who is amazing to me. The way I deal with it, is by constantly complimenting myself on what I HAVE been able to accomplish in life, and that I've so far MANAGED to live for... 1.5 years on my own with the worst job/pay ever. I EARN my keep somehow, and although the standards of living kinda suck, it feels GREAT.

Its forced me to adopt a new attitude which I love: There's always someone worse off than you; don't take things for granted! Sure it may suck to not have the 'One' right-here-right-now, but love doesn't simply grow on trees, ne? My advice is to continue with your life; finish college or school, take up work, just do what you'd normally do. You WILL run into that someone, someday.

You often find what you're looking for when you're not looking for it~

[/size]