My initial thought was to accompany Jay's length (though I don't know its content) with one of the shortest posts I myself have ever done, and simply tell you, "You should visit her grave. That is all."
But then as I thought more... That's not all, and actually.... it depends on you. While in general it's good advice, and it really might help, it isn't like a cure-all anyway, and only you can decide if you could really handle it. Don't let fear be the only thing keeping you back, because even if they hurt, you don't want to
lose those memories, do you? You wouldn't give them up? So don't try to suppress them out of fear of pain.
That said, the only thing at her grave is her body.
No, this is more about acceptance than anything, of several things. So now prepare for a nigh-famous rant of SG proportions.
You must- YOU MUST- you are required by law of the universe if you ever hope to overcome this- drill several things into your mind; some will get redundant, but that only emphasizes the points:
1) No matter how much you dwell, no matter how much you hurt, no matter what you do to yourself, you can't change anything that's happened. Dwelling on it can only cause MORE harm.
2) Death is part of life. So is mourning. It isn't bad to miss her, and it isn't bad to mourn. It's bad to dwell. There is a difference, and you must learn it. Setting aside a little time now and then- planned or unplanned doesn't matter- to remember or letting yourself cry is good; ceasing to be able to live your own life is bad.
3) Death is not a bad thing. I don't know if you're religious or not, or what you might believe if you are; different beliefs could even make it worse instead of better. But set aside thoughts of possible afterlife scenarios to focus upon those things upon which we all
can agree. Death is release. All the pain you feel? She'll never have to feel it. All the horror of this world in its steady decline into chaos and oppression? She's free from all of it. So when you do mourn, it shouldn't be for her; it should be for yourself for her absence.
4) With that in mind, watch how much you pity yourself. Mourning is natural and healthy, but also selfish. And it isn't a bad thing to indulge yourself in
any way from time to time, but letting it control you is no better than any other form of excess.
5) Crying for her does
nothing[/b] except allow you a tiny bit of release at the expense of the concern of everyone who cares for you. When they see you hurt, they hurt. Everyone understands the need for a little, but excess only causes even more pain. Then you feel bad because you're making other people feel bad, and guilty over all the things you're not getting done because you're too busy wallowing. It's a cruel cycle, and you
must learn to keep it in check if you don't want it to control you.
6) Let yourself cry for what you lost, but
MAKE yourself
LIVE for her. Had you been the one who'd died, would you want it to ruin her life? Or would you have wanted her to move on- to be happy, to enjoy life, to even meet someone else someday because it would be better for her to be happy than alone even if it couldn't be you? She wanted- or wants- those things for you. And remember,
you gave her a wonderful death. If she was as happy with you as you were with her- hell, even if it was a slightly rough time just then- she got the opportunity of leaving this world with the sweetest memories of her life fresh in her mind. If whatever form her soul/spirit has taken has memories, her time with you is undoubtedly at the forefront of them.
Some little piece of her will always be with you.
You're living for both of you now.
Make the most of it.
"Yesterday is history,
Tomorrow is a mystery,
But today is a gift.
That is why it is called the present."You have to learn from history, and you have to plan for the future to a point, but if you dwell on either to a point of missing each day as it comes, what's the point?
You know how suddenly she died. Most of us have lost and/or will lose loved ones ourselves, some of them just as suddenly.
You could die today. The world could end this year, or any random more unexpected time. Or you might live to be a hundred.
But none of us can know anything with certainty in that regard.
So in case you
do die tonight, or tomorrow, or next week, or this year-
Make the most of what time you have.You don't have to go sky-diving and climb the Rockies and live every moment with the lack of fear and caution you might if you were literally certain you'd soon die, but try to be a little fearless now and then. Remember that you'll regret things you didn't do more than most that you did in the end of it all.
And most importantly,
have fun. It doesn't have to be a huge thrill. It can be a quiet night watching a movie with a friend or two, or spent alone in your room drawing or writing. But from the most simple to the most elaborate, just make sure you're enjoying yourself every day.
If you "waste" your whole life, make sure you at least had fun doing it. In the grand scheme, few of us are remembered long anyway. If you're one of the brave strong few who can change the world, that's amazing; if you're not, don't sweat it. All of us change the world little by little every day.
Every life- and every death- affects more than we as humans could ever hope to truly comprehend. Because one person dies, every single thing he or she ever would have done in his or her life can and likely will now be done by someone else-- generally a
lot of someone elses. Every job that would have been held, every relationship romantic or platonic... And we can't know what those would have been, so we can't see what happens because of them. But "what if"s are glorious here. What if one job someone gets because a person who would have otherwise gotten it died provides the money to feed a starving family or pay a loved one's medical bills? What if a would-have-been-friend who may have otherwise been too preoccupied with the deceased instead becomes friends with someone they wouldn't have met otherwise, and the new friend one day needs their help to be pulled out of a suicidal state or vice versa? Any single given death has the potential to improve or even save countless other lives, and at the end of the day, other people's lives and loves and hopes and dreams are no less important than our own.
I hope this doesn't seem too random or silly just because it's produced in an animated medium, but... I think you should also hear this song. It might help explain the recent bit about greater than we can comprehend a bit better than I did, especially on the first two analogies. Again, I don't know your religious views, but in the event it isn't something that includes a heaven, just mentally replace the line about "heaven's eyes" with "look at the grand scheme of the universe" or any other equivalent with which you are more comfortable.
Listen?This applies to... everything, really. Your life, her death, the world as a whole.... You can't see the rhyme and reason in all of it, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. We're just so small, so insignificant, in the big picture... But that's the beauty of it. We still manage to make up that picture, and the chaotic yet ever-balancing nature of it all is just..... beautiful.
I keep getting on tangents, and I'm sorry... It's just.....
LIFE.
It is the greatest gift you will ever receive.
You only get so much, and you can never know how much.
So make the most of what you have. Try to help others do the same. Do your best to make your involvement in the lives of others as positive as you can, and trust that when bad things happen- to you, to them, or even because of you- that it will ultimately lead to something good, too.
Past "what if"s are usually bad; we can't know or affect it in any way. But future "what if"s can be good. Just always try to find the most positive ones you can. "What if" because you lost this one wonderful woman, but also because of her influence in your life, you eventually meet someone else- be it soon or in twenty years- for whom you care almost as, just as, or even more deeply? "What if" your future children with this person, which you otherwise wouldn't have had, go on to change the world in ways history will remember for ages to come? Long shot? Of course. Certainly don't convince yourself anything like that is a guarantee. But you can't
know it
won't be the case. Which is why you just have to wait and see, and keep in mind that any number of alternate scenarios you can come up with won't be half of the potential realities.
As cliche as it sounds, you really do just have to
stay. positive.Keep living your life- for yourself, for her, and for everyone around you.
And just....
accept life for everything it is. Some form of good will always come from every bad. The inverse is also true, but just as temporary. It's just a rollercoaster, and you have to take the downs with the ups if you hope to enjoy the ride. Just remember that the ups
are always coming, and that the downs are what let you enjoy the ups at all. If life was straight up or straight flat, we'd stop noticing. There'd be no point. We're able to enjoy the good things in life because we know what it is to be without them.
And... I guess that tragically applies all too well to the relationship, too. You knew life before, and now after. Rather than focusing on the pain and the void, let your focus fall to how incredible your time together was, and be all the more grateful that you were able to experience it at all. I know the whole "better to have loved and lost" thing is terribly cliche, and receives incredible backlash as often as not due to the pain associated with loss, but..... I'll ask again a little more specifically. If you knew it would make you stop hurting, would you really give up all of your memories together? Or is the pain worth it to have ever known her?
So let that pain make you stronger. You will be an exceedingly lucky man if you never lose anyone else in your life, but chances are you will, as will those around you. Learn from this. Do your best to accept it, to come to peace. And the next time you lose someone, as much as it will hurt, it won't be
quite as bad. And when friends lose loved ones, you can know that you'll be able to be there for them, with advice on how you've overcome your own losses to pass onto them.
I do apologize if at any point in this I've seemed at all detached or insensitive. This is just... my views on life, and believe me, they've helped immensely. If you can accept that this world is such a glorious gray, all of the dark moments will seem brighter, and your pain will get just a little easier to bear. I've had a few friends commit suicide, and one who died in a wreck, and have lost family members to disease, and so-forth. I know it hurts. I still cry for people I've lost sometimes, and it's been longer than two years for some. But we just... can't
dwell...
--
.... Heh.... As an afterthought, something occurred to me. You'll meet someone else someday, eventually. If you're caught in the mindset that you could never love anyone else like that- that there couldn't possibly be anyone else as perfect for you as her-.... I direct you to your own post.
Which odds are higher? That the makers of the game knew your girlfriend, or that there are other real people in the world who are also a lot like her? (That said, love can take you by surprise, and you may meet someone who has next to nothing in common with her who you still care for immensely, but even if you
are limited to such specifics.)
Your heart will mend in time. You just have to let it. And even though you'll always carry the scars, it doesn't mean you'll never know happiness or love again.
You just have to keep living each day as it comes, open to life whatever it may bring, with the knowledge that everything will somehow work out for the greater good in the end.
Saying "SG rants a lot" is like saying "Longcat is long".